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1977
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November
And a demon was born....
I swear if these people assigned to raise me play "Blue Bayou" one more time I'm going to make the coffee pot explode with my mind. How many times do I have to point to the perfectly good Rumors album before they get it? They should cut me some slack. I'm still pretty bitter about the whole Elvis thing, there's some weird guy on the TV with big shiny teeth going on about some war with the cold and I can't have one of those Atari things! Things are just about to get interesting....
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1977
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November
If you can't see their tonsils it isn't genuine laughter.
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1978
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December
Santa shmanta...
You know what? I've been here for like 5 hours. Don't get me wrong, I love seeing the whole family together and stuff. It's a blast. But, you can't expect me to run around eating potluck casseroles, devouring cookies,getting spun around by every cousin in a five mile radius and THEN remain either awake or excited to see one of my uncles in a red suit. It's not happening, get used to it.
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1979
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The name's not Heidi and I'm going to yodel!
Mom, seriously, you are aware I'm going to get food all over this white shirt? No joke. It's going to be a mess and I'm just not sure that ringer washing machine in the basement is not going to cut it. Come on, they let Patty Hearst out of jail and I can't escape these knock off lederhosen?!
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1979
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The Bubble's Revenge
Check out this setup, it's pretty awesome. I got this sweet blue wallpaper, it really goes with the brown polyester curtains my Mom made, very chic. And look at Mr. Bubble just sitting up there keeping watch as I sang the "Dirty Bert" jingle and took stock of my ever growing arsenal of bath toys.
Little did I know that Mr. Bubble, the friendly guy who just wanted to make sure I was so clean my Mother wouldn't know me, had other plans. These plans involved a very cranky two year old with a very uncomfortable rash that got worse and worse till the culprit was discovered. I'll never forgive you Mr. Bubble...if that is your real name.
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1980
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Propane Accessories.
Hey Mom! What does "Do Not Play On or Around" mean?
Because our parent's are all buds from childhood we hang and everyone thinks it's the cutest! What was even more adorable was our parent's gathering us all up and plopping us on top of a freaking Propane tank and talking a cute little snapshot. Just take the picture so we can get back to playing Lawn Darts!
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1982
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You'll never be taken seriously as a farmer in those pants.
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1983
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Smurf Cake: The Bitter is Born
For the last few weeks I my main goal has been nagging my Mother about this damn Smurf Cake. It was imperative this cake be on the table with my Crayola Record Player and Strawberry Shortcake PJ's. I prayed and prayed for this cake. Even made a deal with God that I would clean my room every day for the rest of my life if I just got this Smurf Cake.
Here it comes! Yeah, Mom got the Smurf Blue frosting, the candle, it's perfect! What's that, Dad? Oh, a picture, sure. What? Hold it? Ok, whatever. Huh? Tilt the cake? Like this? Tilt the cake more? You sure? Ok. I don't think I should tilt it anymore in case it.....
I haven't cleaned my room since.
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1983
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Can I go away to a boarding school now?
I really hope this plan works. See how awesome I would look in a uniform? It's amazing how well it suits me. There are some really great boarding schools you know. I could go away for months and months and you wouldn't have to worry. Fine, you win. No boarding school.
Keep in mind that I've been listening to a lot of The Cure and something called Kraftwerk on that little transistor radio you gave me. I wouldn't expect to see much in the way of pearl and tie pins from now on.
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1984
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MEMORY:
You want my chocolate marshmallow eggs but you can't have 'em cuz they are totally mine, mine, mine and they are cause I'm an only child and only childs get everything all the candy all the plaid polyester itchy pants all of it ALL OF IT!!!
You can have the licorice though. Which begs the question, you know I hate licorice and yet every Easter there it is staring up at me from the basket...an entire bag of black jelly beans. And don't give me that Easter Bunny line. I'm not a baby...OH. MY. GOD...PEEPS!!!!!
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